The Pain of Our Adversity, Our Hope in Tomorrow

The following did not start out as a blog post, but as I finished writing, I felt my desire to share this portion of my testimony here in the hopes that perhaps it would be able to reach even a few people and be able to help give them even a portion of hope, strength and encouragement despite the pain of their trials.

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I know with all my heart that Jesus Christ is at the head of this church. I know that he knows each of us personally, not only through the blessings of the atonement, but because he is with us always through all that we do and knows firsthand. I know how much not only Jesus Christ loves us, but how much our Heavenly Parents love us as well, for I can feel their love in my life, and it's the warmth and encouragement of their love that makes it possible for me to survive each day with any level of hope and courage left. Knowing and feeling of their love in my life is one of my single greatest blessings. At any time in our lives, with any struggle, we can take our worries and our fears to Christ, and he in turn will teach his prophets the needs of his people.

I know the pains that each and every one of us feel on a daily basis because there is currently no doctrine concerning our trial on this earth, I feel it too, and the pain it brings cuts to the very center. However, I have to admit that I am truly grateful that the church hasn't been taught the doctrine concerning us yet. I, like most of us, have spent more time and energy than I can count desperately trying to help my family truly know me, and to help them see that what I'm doing is not a sin, but an eternal truth about my identity. Despite my effort, they still think I'm sinning, but I think they are starting to love me anyway. If the truth concerning transgender had come out even 6 months ago, my family would have loved me because the church said it was okay, and I don't think I would have been able to accept their love at that point. Despite the pain of waiting for the truth to be taught, I will always be grateful for the time I've had with my family to grow closer, because without it, I feel like our relationship would have been destroyed when the truth came out.

I know and feel the love that our Heavenly Parents have for us. I know and feel the love that our brother and savior Jesus Christ has for us. I also know that for them to love me so completely even after everything I've done wrong... I know because of their love that there will come a day when everyone on the face of this planet will know who we all truly are, and the events of that day will cause both great joy or confusion in the hearts of everyone who hears the truth when it is told. We must remain strong, now more than ever! If we give in to fear, hate, anger, discouragement, or we let our faith falter or even fail, then the adversary wins, and there is a chance that we can be lost forever. Hold strong. Together we can hold each other up in strength and faith as we try with all our power just to wait for that day when the entire world will know concerning us. Then at that day we can experience that great joy and peace together, and move forward to the other trails and struggles that day will bring, for we will be united with one heart, and we won't fall. We must be strong now, or that day may not be the day we expect it to be.

I'm sorry for the novel, and I know it is a breach of etiquette for responses, but there is so much that I felt needed said. I encourage anyone who questions my words to ponder and pray about them, and judge for yourself whether I speak truth or not. I truly do testify with all of my heart of the love that our Heavenly Parents have for each of us, and I know that we are never left alone.

He gave me my eyes, Part 2

I posted this a while back in response to a Facebook post from a friend who is also struggling with gender dysphoria, and while typing my response I feel like I was taught even a little bit more than I had previously known, and even helped to comfort me in my own situation with my family.

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"Since I tend to just say what comes to mind, here goes another thought.

Over the last 2-3 years since I've started to transition, I've noticed something. My family, far more than any of my friends, rejected my belief of who I am, and I think I now understand one of the greater catalysts for this. Everyone has an eternal identity, male and female, and being born into a body that also shares our spirits identity, it seems almost impossible for anyone to understand wanting to be different, it's repulsing to them. What they can never understand without experience is how we feel exactly the same way, but we are living in a body that is opposite of our eternal identity, which intensifies those feelings so much more. Because they can't understand, and because our eternal identities are, well, eternal, it's easy for the adversary to slip in a comment like, "Yes, all of your feelings of eternal identity are correct, you are who you are, and it doesn't change, so your son/daughter will never change either." In that comment he conveniently leaves out that their son/daughter, who will always be who they are, are indeed living in an imperfect body where who they are has been masked for whatever reason. What the adversary speaks is truth, but it is incomplete, and made to have us believe that nothing else can be added to it, and with how strong the feeling of eternal identity is, it is so easy to believe.

My family is just getting to where they are finally looking at me without being visually hurt over what I'm doing, and it has taken many, many painful visits over the years to get even this far, but still to them I will always be their son and brother, and the name or pronouns have not changed, nor do I see them changing anytime soon. I still hope that my family will come around, just as I hope that your family will also one day see what they are missing and be able to see and love the real you"

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In part 1 of this post, I shared an experience, an experience that left me shaken and very much afraid over the next few days, I even found myself unable to find the strength to pray.  My dad was working out of state at the time and I couldn't ask him for a blessing, though a blessing was the only thing I wanted, and potentially the only comfort that might would reach me in that condition.  The following Sunday in church, I was able to talk with one of my young men's leaders, and was able to ask for and receive a blessing from him.

Before he gave me a blessing, we sat in a quiet, unused room in the church building and he asked me why I wanted the blessing, and we talked about everything that had happened over the last few days.  This young men's leader already knew about my transition, he was one of the only people I trusted enough to share that part of my life with, and he had been a support to me in my transition.  After about 30 minutes of talking, he laid his hands on my head, and gave me a blessing.  The experience that followed is one that has forever changed me.  At that moment all feelings of gender dysphoria were removed from me completely, and for the first time in my life here on earth my mind was calm.  I hadn't realized just how loud gender dysphoria had been through my entire life until that point, and the silence in my head after it had been removed was deafening, and in the calm of this silence I finally felt truly male for the first time in my life, a feeling that before I had started transition had been one that I had searched for so very desperately and never found, and I was finally able to breath a sigh of relief.

Upon having the gender dysphoria removed I began to cry, what was I supposed to do now?  Was I just supposed to give up everything that made me happy in this life and try to be male after all?  My transition was the only thing that made me feel alive at all, the only thing that made me able to smile.  The feelings that ran through my heart and mind at that moment were perhaps some of the hardest in my life to work through, but I was able to discuss them with my young men's leader, and I left the church building that day with my head high, mind calm, and with a clarity of the world that I had never seen.  My senses were sharp, my focus direct, and I could see that I could finally focus on a topic or project without being distracted by something else, I would be able to give my full attention to one idea at a time, I was even able to admire the beauty of the mountains and the crisp clean air that day, and the simplicity of life without the gender dysphoria left me centered and calm.

At the same time of this sigh of relief I began to finally focus my life around being male, a part of me died, and I began to cry, and after getting home I cried more than I had ever cried in my entire life.  My mom was present during this crying, in her own words, said that up until that point in her life she had never truly seen anyone weep.  The calm I had previously felt dissipated in those sobbing tears, never to return.  The pain behind those tears is a pain that I will never forget, a pain that took me a year to even start understanding, but is something that now, a little over 2 years later, I think I understand.  I still don't know why my Father in Heaven chose to teach me this way, but when all of my feelings of gender dysphoria were removed, I was shown what it was like to be male, truly male, and after over a year of deep, earnest soul searching, I think I understand why I was given this experience.  I had to find out for myself who I was, who I am.  Knowing yourself isn't something you can be shown, it is something that is truly discovered and felt deep within your own soul, and is deeply sacred and deeply personal.  In those couple of hours, I guess you could say that previous prayers to make me male had been answered, but as I've pondered, that experience was the single most foreign experience I have ever felt, and in time I have come to truly believe that I have never felt that way before in all of my eternal existence.  I had been right before when the reality of motherhood hit me so very strongly one afternoon before I had started my transition.  In that moment, all my desperate fighting to find the desire to be a father evaporated instantly and my soul was filled with an all encompassing desire to be a mother.  In that moment I could see a part of me that had been dormant, and it filled my soul with the greatest joy, comfort, and peace, and it gave my life purpose for the first time I could remember, including the aforementioned experience where I was shown how it was to be male.  This was the very event that broke down my defenses, broke down every effort I had previously made in order to "stay male," and finally allowed my heart to let go of this life and all of the heartache it had brought me, and to finally start being myself for the first time in this mortal life.

There are so many pains and heartaches in this life, so many circumstances that once we entered this life we knew that we might have no control over.  Whatever our circumstances in this life, whatever pains we accepted to undergo before this life, we all must have had good reason to accept them.  For me, there is a part of me that wants to go to the me before this life began and scream at her, telling her that she is insane and and that she should go talk to Father and take the other path that was offered.  However, when I calm down, especially in those briefest of moments when I catch a glimpse of the person I am becoming because of these excruciating trials, I know that me before this life was wise, and made the right choice.  Because I was born in a body contrary to my eternal identity, I have literally had to spend every waking minute of every day for several years desperately searching for what matters most to me in life.  I'll be forever grateful for a trial that truly pushed and pushes me to search for and find these answers.  For now this is what I know, what I truly know deep within myself, that there is nothing I want more than to be a wife and a mother.

I know that I am a daughter of God, the spirit has confirmed this to me continually from the moment I had the faith to stand up for myself in my own heart.  I know that the pains of this life can help me to become a more caring and loving person if I let them.  I know that one day I will be able to enter the House of the Lord and claim all the blessings of eternity that are promised to the faithful, and that one day I will be a wife and a mother.

He gave me my eyes, part 1

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

Children's Songbook, 228

1. Whenever I hear the song of a bird

Or look at the blue, blue sky,

Whenever I feel the rain on my face

Or the wind as it rushes by,

Whenever I touch a velvet rose

Or walk by our lilac tree,

I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world

Heav'nly Father created for me.

2. He gave me my eyes that I might see

The color of butterfly wings.

He gave me my ears that I might hear

The magical sound of things.

He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:

I thank him rev'rently

For all his creations, of which I'm a part.

Yes, I know Heav'nly Father loves me.

My Journal

September 15th, 2013

A little over 9 months on hormones, I haven't come out and I'm still attending church at my home word dressed male

 

"Sitting out in the foyer I can hear the primary children of the other ward singing, and today the moment I heard them singing their first song, it instantly warmed my soul.  "Whenever I hear the song of a bird..."  During the sacrament, I think mostly because it was quiet for a moment, I had the thought and memory of a conversation I'd had with our Heavenly Father as the trees started blooming this year and their scent filled the yard. For the first time in my life that I can recall, I was able to enjoy all the sights, sounds, and fragrant scents around me.  As I laid out on the lawn enjoying all of this for the first time, I began to talk to my Heavenly Father.  I absolutely loved being able to enjoy the simple things around me, and I felt that I was able to because of the hormones, and I told Heavenly Father that I didn't want to give any of this up, in this life or the next. I poured out my heart to Him with this desire, and cried a fair bit in the process.  Hearing that song today...the warmth that filled my heart...the comfort of it.  I'm not completely sure what to make of all of it, but I do feel that doing what I need to do to enjoy those simple things is a good thing."

"Sitting out in the foyer still after sacrament meeting reading, the primary of my ward sang the same song.  This time I stopped to listen in an effort to hear other meanings in the words.  The second verse talk about how God gave us our eyes and ears so that we could see and hear, and how He gave us our minds as well.  In all of this, He knew that I would be this way in this life, so did He also give me access to hormones so that I could enjoy those things He had given me, to help them work properly, so that I can enjoy them?  Is this a gift He has given me also because He loves me?  Or am I using some of the things He has given us improperly?"

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I struggled for so long wondering if the impressions I was feeling regarding my gender could be wrong, and in that fear, I always tried to question those impressions in an attempt to understand more deeply, and in the hope of truly finding what I needed to know.

About a year and a half ago now, I went in to talk to my bishop about my transition.  I was in the ward that I grew up in, and I hadn't told anyone of my transition, and since I had been on hormones for about six months, I decided that I should go talk to my bishop before it started to be hard to hide.  During the next few visits with him, he posed a question to me.  I don't remember the exact words he asked me that day, but the question went like this: "When you read the scriptures and come across a passage that basically says, all good things come from God and all bad things come from the devil, how does that make you feel about what you are doing?"  I honestly didn't have an answer to his question, and spent the next 3-4 months searching, pondering, and every time I'd come across one of those passages in the scriptures, I would write down my impressions, the date that I came across it, and I would spend some time talking with my Father in Heaven about it.  As I came across those passages, I was surprised at how many there were, when before I could only think of a couple.  Every single time I came across this teaching, I spent a couple of days on that passage and the surrounding teachings, and every time, I felt peace in my decision.

Then one day I came across another of these passages, but this time it added a little bit more than the others.

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Moroni 7: 16-17
16 For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

17 But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.

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Those two verses impressed on my mind far greater than any I had previously come across, and I have thought of them many, many times since that day I found them.  In all of my pondering and questioning, I came to this conclusion.  Much like I said in my last post, "Getting my answer through personal revelation," from the day I started my transition, I was happier, and in time, I found myself wanting the gospel in my life far more than I was able to desire it before.  As I continued attending church those times I was able to overcome my dysphoria, and as I continued to pray and read scriptures daily, I found myself able to feel the spirit more clearly than I ever had before in my lifetime, and my testimony quickly grew from my simple testimony as a child, to a fierce love of the gospel and complete faith and belief in all of it's teachings.  As I began to hear the promptings of the spirit more clearly, and as I acted on those promptings, it taught me not only in the gospel, but in even the simple things in my day to day life that helped increase my general well being and health, as well as helping me be more mindful of those around me and being able to know and see their needs.  Even now, two years into my transition, the spirit guides and teaches me the same way, and always brings me closer to my beloved brother Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father.  I can testify that I know beyond all doubt that our brother Jesus Christ lives, that he is our Savoir, and that his love for us is greater than we can presently comprehend.  This, and so many other glorious truths, have been taught to me after my transition, a transition that has enabled me to far more easily hear and to feel these things, and to learn of myself in a way that before I wouldn't have been able to understand.

This used to puzzle me, why had I become more spiritual since my transition?  I used to just assume that it was because, as I was becoming female in body, I could feel a greater depth of emotion, and so I assumed that part of that emotion was also responsible for my greater love towards the gospel, but this explanation never quite seemed right to me.  This last general conference, however, that question was answered.  In a talk given by Elder Jörg Klebingat, we were given tools to help us gain spiritual confidence, and to "dissipate these evil voices and restore to you the kind of peaceful assurance and spiritual confidence that is yours to have if you only want it."

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"Take responsibility for your own physical well-being. Your soul consists of your body and spirit (see D&C 88:15). Feeding the spirit while neglecting the body, which is a temple, usually leads to spiritual dissonance and lowered self-esteem. If you are out of shape, if you are uncomfortable in your own body and can do something about it, then do it!"...

..."President Boyd K. Packer has taught 'that our spirit and our body are combined in such a way that our body becomes an instrument of our mind and the foundation of our character'"

- Elder Jörg Klebingat, "Approaching the Thrown of God with Confidence," October 2014 General Conference

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Yes, Elder Klebingat was referring this teaching to exercise, but the way that hit me when I heard it, and through all my prayer and pondering, and as I've tried to listen to the spirit, I truly believe that this teaching was also telling me why I became more spiritual when I started to transition.  I became more spiritual because I was bringing my body and spirit in closer harmony with one another as I worked to heal a simple, yet life altering birth defect of sorts, a birth defect that left my female spirit in a body that, over time, developed more and more opposite of my eternal identity, slowly increasing the pain that development caused me over time.

I'm getting ahead of myself, so back to the question my bishop asked me.

That passage was different from the others I had come across, and in it, I found my answer to my bishop's question.  Everything that has come into my life since the start of my transition has been good, and always brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ.  As I was taught in Moroni 7:16 "...every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God."  I have done my best to take this teaching to heart, and it has become a guide in my life.  I can now testify with perfect knowledge of who I am, not simply because of this teaching, but because this teaching has lead me to receive continuing revelation from God as was taught by Elder Eyring in the October 2014 General Conference.  At that time, however, it at least gave me my answer, that the path I was on was leading me to be a better person, and to become closer to God.

With that scripture, I had my answer to my bishop's question, so I made an appointment to talk with him again.  During that discussion, I shared my thought's and feelings over the last few months, and he seemed surprised that this was the conclusion that I had come to.  My conclusion, however, did not fit with the words he had prepared for me, and so when I was finished sharing my thoughts, my bishop went on to admonish me to "turn back the clock" and to stop taking the hormones.  Hearing his words, I became confused.  Why would he still be telling me this after the many, many witnesses I had received from the question he posed?  As I became confused during that discussion, a feeling of peace settled over me, reassuring me that the thoughts and impressions I had received were true, and to have hope, and to trust in my witness.  I held on to that voice in order to make it through that meeting, and as I did, the spirit filled me so completely as to completely remove all doubt, and where before I had come to the bishop to help me understand the answer I had received only for it to be brushed away, with the spirit so strongly with in me, I knew in that moment that I was right, and all doubt and fear fled my mind.

As our discussion came to a close, I felt prompted to ask the bishop a parting question.  If his counsel was for me to turn back the clock, then why, why when I followed every teaching I knew in search of the answers, and every time I had felt the same answer, why was the answer I received different from his?  Not long after that an opportunity arose and I moved, and we were never able to meet again for me to hear an answer.

[What I am going to share next is the single most terrifying experience I have ever had, and is also the reason it has been so hard for me to write this post, and why it has taken me so long to share.  Please forgive me if my wording/grammar struggles in the next couple of paragraphs, I will share as best as I am able.]

Upon reaching my car that night in the parking lot as I was heading home, I suddenly felt an almost cold darkness and feeling of utter hate begin to press in upon me, as if trying to crush my heart and end me in the process.  I was barely able to get to a seated position in my car as the force that threatened me on every side, every surface of my body inside and out, pressed in upon me and bound me to the point that I was unable to move, almost unable to breath, the only movement of my body was the intense trembling of my body as this force threatened to crush me completely, except that I couldn't tremble because I was unable to move.  If I had to guess, this experience lasted only 5 minutes, but may as well have been far longer.  I believe that the only reason I was released was because, moments after I was freed, the bishop walked out of the building, and the force that held me didn't want to be known.  I wanted to go after my bishop, I wanted and desperately needed his help and comfort in that moment, but that experience had left me with out any strength in my body and I was in no way able to signal him for that very help, and it was an hour or two before my strength began to return.

That experience in the parking lot seemed to break my body that day, and not two weeks later, I started having the tremors that have grown and evolved over time, leading to the almost frail body that I now have, but despite this physical setback, I had gained something far greater.  I knew beyond all doubt that the path I was on was indeed the path that was meant for me, and not only was my heavenly family pleased with me, but the adversary was very upset that I had come to understand and know my eternal nature.

Now, I can't say that this is how it will be for everyone who suffers with the pains of gender dysphoria, I can only testify of what I know to be true for myself, and I hope and pray that others who struggle with similar decisions will have the comfort and guidance that they need to know and understand one of the most sacred of truths for themselves, their own eternal identity.  To those of you struggling with this or any other difficult decision in your life, I promise you that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you dearly, and an older brother, even Jesus Christ, who, if you do everything in your power to find the right answer and still come up short, or even if you come up with the wrong answer in the end, I promise that He will help you to know the truth for yourself if your desires are pure and you truly seek to know what's right.

Getting my answer through personal revelation

"We all know that human judgment and logical thinking will not be enough to get answers to the questions that matter most in life. We need revelation from God. And we will need not just one revelation in a time of stress, but we need a constantly renewed stream. We need not just one flash of light and comfort, but we need the continuing blessing of communication with God." 

- Henry B. Eyring, "Continuing Revelation," October 2014 General Conference

I have received my own personal revelations concerning my eternal identity  Those personal revelations have been challenged at practically every turn, and those revelations have stood fast and true deep within my soul.  Over and over again, time after time, challenge after challenge, the answers that I have received through the Holy Ghost have been as is described by President Eyring, "a constantly renewed stream" and "the continuing blessing of communication with God."  It was a great comfort to me hearing those words in the last General Conference.  I didn't always have the gift of knowing who I was with the clarity that I do now, but every exhausting ounce of faith, prayer, study, and yearning to simply know the truth for myself was, and is, worth it, and I will be forever grateful for that gift.

From the day I started transitioning, I started to feel lighter and generally happier in my life; and I'll admit, it felt amazing.  But, feeling amazing wasn't enough for me.  Through the years that I fought to stay male, I found the energy to keep fighting because I had been raised as a valiant Son of God, and I believed in the gospel with all my heart, and nothing was going to get in the way of that.  Towards the latter months of my separation before the divorce, the only idea that I could somewhat hold onto in an effort to stay male was the idea of being a father, and in the end, even that didn't help me like I felt it should.  Then my years of anger following my divorce hit, and even though I still knew the gospel was true, my faith and trust in Father seemed shattered and perhaps beyond repair.  In those agonizing years, the only place I felt I could look for answers was within myself, and those answers were always the same.  I felt helplessly trapped inside a male body that just didn't feel right, no matter how tirelessly I worked and struggled to make it feel right.

Then, one day the idea of being a mother hit me, and my life was forever changed.  Where before I had struggled tirelessly in an effort have any desire to be a father, the idea of being a mother quickly and effortlessly filled my heart and soul, something that I had never experienced before.  From that day, my heart forever changed, and my transition started slowly.  During that time I started to have true joy in my life for the first time I could remember, and within the first two weeks of starting hormones, my coworkers who I had worked with for almost 2 years noticed me smile, truly smile, for the first time.  However, no matter the joy I had found, I was still concerned whether I had made the right choice or not, and that worry consumed my almost every waking moment for almost a year after starting hormones.  It was then, a year later, on November 17th 2013, that I had a personal revelation that has forever changed and began to shape my eternal view of my identity, and that knowledge has been confirmed and grown in my heart more times than I can count.

That year of worry before I finally received my answer was one of the hardest years for me spiritually, and my conviction was tested to the point that I had almost completely lost all hope in ever knowing if I had made the right choice or not.  For many years before I even started transition, I had searched high and low for anything in the scriptures, anything said by any of the brethren, anything at all that might have given me some direction spiritually, and I only ever found half a line in an older talk that even mentioned the topic.*  I wish I hadn't lost my bookmark to that talk, but I will paraphrase: "To those of you who struggle with gender identity, our [the brethren's] hearts go out to you, but today I wish to address same sex attraction."  I read that phrase many, many times, trying to glean anything I could from it.  At that time I only understood one thing.  Gender identity is different than same sex attraction, and no matter how many talks anyone tried to give me to help "straighten" me out in whatever they thought might be "wrong" with me, my situation was different, and I knew that it was, because I heard it from one of the Presidents of the church.

Before the day I finally knew for myself, I had approached Father in prayer many, many times, asking to know anything about my gender, but Heaven stayed silent.  I had decided that what I was doing was right, that I felt like a woman in my heart, but I wanted to know from Him if I was right before I truly let go and allowed myself to be happy in my transition, because if I was wrong, I felt the pain of that would crush me completely and I would be left with absolutely nothing.

Almost one year into my transition, I had two of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had.  Experiences that I will always remember.  Those two experiences helped me see that I could still feel the spirit.  What's more, I knew beyond all doubt from those experiences that Father was looking out for me when there was no one else around who could.  A friend had become the mouthpiece to a blessing I received from three of my family members from the other side of the veil as she asked Father in prayer to help and comfort me in a time of need.  I felt the weight of their hands on my head as they stood around me, and I could feel their love, and the love of our Father in Heaven as they blessed me with comfort that night.  Then, not an hour before my revelation two days later, I saw my Grandfather who the day after he had received his ordinances in the temple, one year after his death.  The day before I had desperately wanted to at least be on the temple grounds while they did his work, but I felt that I shouldn't because I was early in my transition, my extended family didn't know yet, and I felt then wasn't the time to stir the water.  I don't know if he knew how much I wanted to be there but couldn't, or if he was simply making the rounds to visit family before he began his work on the other side, but I do know that he took the time to come say hello.  It was then that I decided that where I could still have experiences like those, my transition hadn't affected my ability to feel the spirit, and if that was true, then all the comfort and guidance I had received with my transition was also all from God, and not just from within myself.

In that moment, I decided with all my heart that my belief of who I am was right, and in that moment, I prayed to my Father in Heaven and told Him that very thing.  When I finished, I heard a voice in my mind as clear as if someone had been standing next to me, confirming who I am, and who I have always been, and the spirit filled my heart telling me that what I had just heard was true.  From that moment, I began to truly know and remember who I am, and who I am and always have been is a Daughter of God.

* I first became aware of what is written in the bishops and stake presidents handbook on this topic fairly recently, and at least a couple of years after I found that half a line.  I don't remember what is written exactly, and it is not my place to say anything about what is contained within those few lines on this topic.  All I can tell anyone is what is in my heart.  After all I've learned and been taught, and as my testimony has grown, all I truly know is that I am a beloved Daughter of God.  I know that the few words written on this topic are often taken at face value, and when something says you can't enter the temple if you do this, most people will immediately assume that it is wrong to do.  I however don't mind that I cannot currently attend the temple.  There is a reason that I was only able to find half a line about gender identity, and I believe part of that reason to be that the world simply isn't ready to hear it.  I also believe with all my heart that when the world is ready, and those topics have finally been brought to light, we will also have what is needed for us to enter the temple at that day.  I believe with all my heart that when that day comes, I too will be able to enter and receive all the blessings of eternity.

Where my story begins

I didn't start out with a strong testimony, quite the opposite really.  The ever growing testimony that I have now actually started back during the one and a half to two years where I was mad at the world, and my Heavenly Father.  At that time in my life, I had spent every last breath of strength that I had to stay and be a man for the woman I married.  In the end however, despite all of my efforts she decided to leave, and I let her go because it’s what she needed.  The pain of an eternal marriage ending, complete with a cancellation of a temple sealing, along with the pain of having done everything in my efforts to be the man that I am not, left me broken and all but catatonic for a very long time, and it was during this time that my anger got the best of me, and I cut all ties with my Father in Heaven.

Skipping ahead past the catatonic years (long live mmorpg’s!!!), my loving Mom decided one day that it was time for me to get a job, and she all but drug me out find one.  It took several months after that time, but I finally started to come out of the deep depression that I had been in, and somewhere in the time, I started to pray again.  I would ask nothing for myself, but I would pray for those around me who I loved.  Over time I began to read my scriptures as well, though for the longest time all I managed was maybe 2 verses a night, and I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to try.

During that time of anger, I finally “gave in” and decided to transition.  I was beyond tired of the excruciating pain it took to try and be someone I wasn’t.  My parents, under the guise of my needing help to get past the divorce as well as needing help to stay male, helped me find a therapist.  My intention at the time, however, was to not mention anything but my desire to transition.  All I wanted was my letter of recommendation, and I wanted to start on hormones.  Despite this train of thought, my first session did not result in starting my recommendation process.  That day I tried to only get my hormones, but there was an overwhelming feeling of “no” deep within me, and in the end I gave into that feeling, and I began to share everything with my therapist.  The pain of saying no is more than I can share in words, but I will forever be grateful I followed that prompting that day.

In time I started to slowly heal, and in time, I had an experience that began to shape the woman I am today.  For a time, I had medical evidence that I might be intersex, meaning that I would have been born with both male and female reproductive organs, and that the female organs simply didn’t make it to the surface in my case.  I now know that this isn’t my reality, but for a time in my life it was a very real possibility for me.  It was during this time that I made the following connection.  If I had both sets of reproductive organs, that meant there was a very, very small chance that I could, in reality, be a mother.  The moment that thought entered my mind, I fell to the floor in wonder.  From that moment, nothing else mattered.  The instinct was so strong, and it almost felt like there wasn’t a choice.  I had to protect even the smallest chance that I could be a mother at all costs.  From that moment, though it took me a while to notice, that feeling of “no” vanished, and I was able to start my transition from a state of love instead of the state of anger that I was in before, and that has made all the difference in my life.

I learned a lot during those years, and my personal testimony began to truly grow for the first time in my life.  I began to understand and know that our Father in Heaven will always watch over us, and help us to be our very best, even if we struggle to understand His methods.  Without His help, I know that I would be a very hard hearted and bitter woman today, with very little room in her heart for love.  I will be forever grateful that I listened to His council that day through the voice of the Holy Ghost, and I know that if I strive to continue to follow that still small voice I will always be lead to being a better, kinder, and more loving person that I am now, and I will forever cherish that gift and blessing in my life.