I didn't start out with a strong testimony, quite the opposite really. The ever growing testimony that I have now actually started back during the one and a half to two years where I was mad at the world, and my Heavenly Father. At that time in my life, I had spent every last breath of strength that I had to stay and be a man for the woman I married. In the end however, despite all of my efforts she decided to leave, and I let her go because it’s what she needed. The pain of an eternal marriage ending, complete with a cancellation of a temple sealing, along with the pain of having done everything in my efforts to be the man that I am not, left me broken and all but catatonic for a very long time, and it was during this time that my anger got the best of me, and I cut all ties with my Father in Heaven.
Skipping ahead past the catatonic years (long live mmorpg’s!!!), my loving Mom decided one day that it was time for me to get a job, and she all but drug me out find one. It took several months after that time, but I finally started to come out of the deep depression that I had been in, and somewhere in the time, I started to pray again. I would ask nothing for myself, but I would pray for those around me who I loved. Over time I began to read my scriptures as well, though for the longest time all I managed was maybe 2 verses a night, and I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to try.
During that time of anger, I finally “gave in” and decided to transition. I was beyond tired of the excruciating pain it took to try and be someone I wasn’t. My parents, under the guise of my needing help to get past the divorce as well as needing help to stay male, helped me find a therapist. My intention at the time, however, was to not mention anything but my desire to transition. All I wanted was my letter of recommendation, and I wanted to start on hormones. Despite this train of thought, my first session did not result in starting my recommendation process. That day I tried to only get my hormones, but there was an overwhelming feeling of “no” deep within me, and in the end I gave into that feeling, and I began to share everything with my therapist. The pain of saying no is more than I can share in words, but I will forever be grateful I followed that prompting that day.
In time I started to slowly heal, and in time, I had an experience that began to shape the woman I am today. For a time, I had medical evidence that I might be intersex, meaning that I would have been born with both male and female reproductive organs, and that the female organs simply didn’t make it to the surface in my case. I now know that this isn’t my reality, but for a time in my life it was a very real possibility for me. It was during this time that I made the following connection. If I had both sets of reproductive organs, that meant there was a very, very small chance that I could, in reality, be a mother. The moment that thought entered my mind, I fell to the floor in wonder. From that moment, nothing else mattered. The instinct was so strong, and it almost felt like there wasn’t a choice. I had to protect even the smallest chance that I could be a mother at all costs. From that moment, though it took me a while to notice, that feeling of “no” vanished, and I was able to start my transition from a state of love instead of the state of anger that I was in before, and that has made all the difference in my life.
I learned a lot during those years, and my personal testimony began to truly grow for the first time in my life. I began to understand and know that our Father in Heaven will always watch over us, and help us to be our very best, even if we struggle to understand His methods. Without His help, I know that I would be a very hard hearted and bitter woman today, with very little room in her heart for love. I will be forever grateful that I listened to His council that day through the voice of the Holy Ghost, and I know that if I strive to continue to follow that still small voice I will always be lead to being a better, kinder, and more loving person that I am now, and I will forever cherish that gift and blessing in my life.
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